


Definitions

by CatWingsAthena



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aromantic Rey (Star Wars), Asexual Rey (Star Wars), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone has complicated feelings, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, This is me trying to deal with a certain seven seconds that I wish had never happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatWingsAthena/pseuds/CatWingsAthena
Summary: Ben's gone. So why won't he get out of Rey's head?Rey really just wants that chapter of her life to be over, already. But she made a choice to give a dying man some peace and now it's haunting her. She doesn't understand. It shouldn't matter.But it does.Luckily, her family--her real family--are there to help her work through it.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron & Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 32
Kudos: 103





	Definitions

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everybody! So, last night I went to see The Rise of Skywalker with my sister and cousin. Right before the kiss (sigh) we started whisper chanting "DO NOT KISS, DO NOT KISS, DO NOT KISS" and when they did we burst into a chorus of "are you FUCKING kidding me?!" (quietly, of course, although perhaps not as quietly as we should have). Like, seriously, it would have worked much better for Rey's character had they just hugged. But, given that the council has made a decision (even though it's a stupid-ass decision), I've elected not to ignore it and to instead write this fic--trying to do justice to the characters as I see them in light of what happened in canon. I hope you enjoy the results. 
> 
> Please note that this work contains references to a kiss that one party didn't really want, canonical temporary major character death, mind-invasion spoken of in terms that may for some resemble sexual assault, past brainwashing with lingering effects, and swearing. Again, hope you enjoy!

Rey wasn’t meditating.

Well, she  _ sort _ of was. She was trying to, at least. But she wasn’t meeting with much success.

Instead, she was thinking.

The pure exhaustion and weight of her body as she’d collapsed to the ground on Exogol. The feeling of life returning, of waking up cradled in Ben’s arms, of awareness of what he’d done hitting her along with the feeling, there in the Force, that he was dying. 

The look in his eyes as he’d stared at her, and the decision she’d made.

The feel of his lips on hers, then the sensation of the life leaving his body, of his too-rapidly cooling skin under her hand.

At the time, she hadn’t given it much thought. She’d been too anxious to get to her friends--her  _ family _ , her  _ real _ family--to be that much concerned with Ben’s passing. For good or ill.

Honestly, she wasn’t sure which way she’d go.

Voices jarred Rey out of her thoughts.

“Hey!” called Finn. “Thought we might find you here.”

“‘Sup, Rey?” called Poe.

“Nothing,’ Rey replied, turning to them.

“Oh, c’mon, that is not a ‘nothing’ face,” said Poe, some of the sparkle leaving his eyes. Both he and Finn had felt radiantly happy a second ago, before she’d turned around, and Rey hated to be the reason they stopped feeling that way. And talking about Ben was likely to dredge up bad memories for both of them.

Rey turned a rock over in her hand.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” said Finn.

Rey sighed. “Are you both okay if I talk about Ben... Kylo Ren?”

Finn and Poe both nodded and muttered assent, sitting down beside her. Rey could feel their happiness fading, but she knew bringing it back was a lost cause at this point, so she kept going.

“So... when I was on Exogol... I fought Palpatine. And I won, he died from his own energy, I reflected it back onto him. But... it was too much. The effort killed me.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re not being metaphorical,” Poe said under his breath.

“Anyway, Ben was there, and... earlier, we’d been fighting together. And... he used Force healing energy to bring me back. But you can’t transfer that much life energy to another person without dying yourself. I woke up, and he was holding me, and... I could  _ feel _ him dying.”

Rey looked down and away. The next part of the story was crucial to explaining why she felt the way she did, but that didn’t make it any less difficult to say out loud. “I knew he wanted me. I’ve known that since the first time he saw me. And he was hurting, and scared, so... I kissed him.” Rey looked up. “I believe it was the right thing to do. But now... I can’t get it out of my head. How it felt. And I don’t know  _ why _ , it was just a few seconds, just... something I did to give some comfort to a dying man. But I’m upset about it, because... I didn’t want it. I did it for him, not me. And now he’s  _ gone _ but he’s  _ still in my head _ and it was bad enough when he was  _ alive _ and could get into my head whenever he wanted to but now he’s  _ dead _ and he’s  _ still there _ and I want him  _ out of my fucking life! _ ” Rey threw the rock she’d been holding. It sailed over the edge of the cliff she was sitting on and landed with a distant clatter.

“Okay,” said Poe gently, “That’s a lot.”

Rey took a deep, shaky breath. “And I feel bad for feeling this way, because... I feel sorry for him, I really do. I may have grown up on Jakku, but at least I got the chance to grow up without the Dark Side constantly in my ear. Ben had had Snoke and Palpatine brainwashing him all his life. Everything was against him, but he still did the right thing, in the end.”

“But?” prompted Finn.

“But I can’t forget how it felt,” Rey said. “When he went through my head... When he would show up out of nowhere... When I never felt safe, no matter where I was, because I knew he could find me... When I thought there must be something wrong with  _ me _ to be bonded so strongly to someone so twisted... When I felt like I was going to fall apart because the bond meant that the responsibility of turning him fell on me, and only me... I just...” Rey exhaled with a soft sound. “He hurt me, and the people I love, so much. And I know that wasn’t Ben, that was Kylo Ren. But... I feel... so many complicated things about the situation, but I know for sure that I want that chapter of my life to be  _ over, _ and... I’m not sure why I can’t just let this go.” Rey slumped back against a boulder, shutting her eyes.

“Well,” said Poe, “there’s a lot of stuff that could be going on there. For starters, like you said, he hurt you. A lot. And getting hurt like that? It tends to stick around. Now, I don’t know much about force bonds and stuff like that, so there might be something going on there that I for one don’t know about. But honestly? I don’t think you need that for a perfectly good explanation.” Poe looked at Rey. “Had you ever kissed anyone before Ben?”

“No,” said Rey, opening her eyes and sitting up. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well,” said Poe, “in a lot of cultures, your first kiss is considered a really big deal. Now, it doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be, but it makes sense that, if that was your first exposure to kissing, it’s stuck in your mind. Add all the ways Kylo Ren hurt you before that--yes, I realize you think of Ben and Kylo Ren as separate people, and you kissed Ben, not Kylo Ren, but it’s still enough to make things  _ really _ complicated--and I’d have been surprised if this  _ was _ something you could shrug off.”

“And, even without the kiss, I don’t know if you’re feeling at all conflicted about him dying,” said Finn. “Are you?” 

Rey nodded. “I think I am.”

“That makes sense. You worked so hard, for so long, to turn him back to the good side, and then right when you’d won, right when he’d literally brought you back from the dead, he died. You never got to find out who he would’ve been... not-evil. So I get why you’d have a hard time letting that go. But Rey.” Finn looked at her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Ben’s life is over. It had a good beginning, and a good end, and a whole lot of awful in the middle. But you?” Finn smiled. “Your life is just getting started. You can do whatever you want now. Like Poe said, I don’t know anything about Force bonds, but I’m pretty sure yours is broken now that Ben’s dead. And honestly? Even if it’s not, it’s still your choice what you do, where you go, who you care about.” Finn looked Rey square in the eye. “Have I ever told you I still have First Order conditioning in my head?”

“No,” said Rey. She wasn’t surprised--she knew from her own experience that a lifetime of ingrained habits were hard to shake, and imagined it would be even worse if those “habits” were drilled into you by an organization set on wiping all traces of humanity out of its soldiers--but she was still sorry to have it confirmed.

“Yeah, I do. I’ll think I have it all squished, and then someone says a word like ‘resistance’ and my brain fills in ‘scum’ before I can stop it. It’s nothing dangerous--I’ve managed to channel all the combat training into appropriate directions--but I do have stuff like ‘If I step out of line they’ll recondition me’ or ‘I can’t let anyone see me weak or they’ll kill me or worse.’”

Rey nodded. “Sometimes I have to remind myself that there’s enough water and food for everyone here.” She debated her next sentence, but decided they needed to know. Even if they couldn’t understand how much it meant. “Although... I think if there wasn’t... I’d share mine with you two.”

Based on the looks on their faces, Rey suspected Finn and Poe had understood just fine.

Eventually, Poe cleared his throat.

“It’s nowhere near as bad as what happened to either of you,” he said, “but I still think about him too. Kylo Ren, I mean. Sometimes... I’ll have dreams... and he’ll be there, looking through my memories, and I wake up right as he finds Beebee, but not before he’s gone trampling over all sorts of personal stuff, I think just for the fun of it... And it hurts  _ so much _ and, and I’m ashamed that I  _ care _ that it hurts when it’s Beebee in trouble, but...” Poe exhaled noisily. “So, yeah. He messed with all of us. But he doesn’t define us. We do.  _ We _ choose who we are. Rey, Force bond or no Force bond, kiss or no kiss, nobody gets to define you but you.”

“Well, for one thing,” said Rey, “I was thinking about calling myself Rey Skywalker. After my Jedi masters, who taught me and cared for me.”

“Sounds good,” said Finn. Then, he grinned. “I was thinking of calling myself Finn Dameron.” He glanced over at Poe. “I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

Poe laughed. “Whoa there, moving a little fast?”

Rey’s jaw dropped as she processed that utterance. “Hang on,” she said slowly. “How long have you two been together?”

“A few hours,” said Finn. “That’s what we were coming up here to tell you.”

Rey smiled. “Then that  _ is _ moving a little fast--but it’s perfect.”

“And of course it’s okay,” said Poe. “If you want my name, you’re more than welcome to it.”

Finn smiled. “Well, you already gave me my  _ first _ name.”

Poe smiled back. “Yeah, I did. You like it?”

“Of  _ course _ I like it, you gave it to me.” Finn then slowly leaned in and kissed Poe.

Rey watched with interest. She’d never seen kissing this close before, and was curious what the process was like when both parties  _ wanted _ it. Both Poe and Finn had their eyes closed, and they seemed like they didn’t want to break apart, even though the kiss itself lasted only a few seconds. When they did pull away, they were smiling.

They turned to Rey in synchrony, Finn looking mildly embarrassed now that he remembered Rey was there, Poe looking like he could not have cared less. “And just to be clear,” said Poe. “This doesn’t mean we care about you any less, or are gonna spend any less time with you, okay?”

Rey nodded and held out her arms. Finn and Poe scooted over and leaned into them, and the three sat there for a long moment, holding each other.

When they finally disentangled themselves, Poe looked at Rey. “So, I totally get that the answer to this question might be no, ‘cause... you’re a Jedi and the rules are weird, and you’ve been busy, and all that. And whatever the answer is, you don’t have to tell me. But is there anyone on base  _ you’ve _ thought about kissing? ‘Cause, if there’s someone you’re interested in, I got the moves. I can give you some advice.”

Rey smiled. “No. I’ve never thought of anyone that way, and besides, the one time I tried kissing I didn’t much like it.” She made a face.

Poe nodded. “Well, that’s totally your call, and if you never want to kiss anyone again that’s fine.  _ And, _ please don’t take kissing your dying former archnemesis out of a sense of obligation to be representative of all kissing.”

Rey smiled again. “Understood.”

They stayed there for a while, until Rey announced that people on base were getting worried about the absence of the Generals and the Jedi.

They stood up and walked back, arms slung around shoulders, chattering away and unconcerned with the past.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everybody! I hope you liked this! If you did, please let me know below!


End file.
